HI. MY NAME IS JAN AND.....

I'm standing at a podium in the middle of a small room and I introduce myself,

"Hi. My name is Jan and I suffer from IBS."

Did I expect a response?

From an empty room?

IBS is Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

It's not something one talks about let alone announce from a podium.

The choir loft?

In the line at the grocery store?

From the rooftops?

Over the P.A. system at Wal-Mart 

at the risk of  joining the photos of Wal-Mart shoppers?

IBS. A curse.

If you have a flare-up (flare)

you are chained to your bathroom.

If a flare comes at the wrong time 

you could miss your child's wedding,

your mom's memorial service,

your child's graduation from college,

the grand opening of a Dollar Store.

I had my first flare about five years ago.

That's a totally unacceptable experience when you're not at home.

My doctor put me on a hefty dose of a steroids

to get my flare under control.

.......And he kept me on it for.........five..........years,

assuring me that it was often done that way....long term.

He's a doctor, I believed him.

Slowly the skin on my arms became very thin

and they were easily bruised - blood bruises

like the elderly get on their arms.

It continued to get worse.

Oh, I called the doctor's office several times over those

five years and was reassured each time that

I hadn't been on the steroids too long.

It finally came to the point that I talked to my GP, whom

I trust implicitly, about three months ago.

She had me change doctors.

My new lower GI doctor is wonderful.

He weaned me off of the steroids in three days.

My arms started clearing up and 

the skin on my arms toughened up.

Yea!

At this point you're no doubt wondering why 

in the world am I telling you all of this.

Slow day.

Seriously, there is such an important reason.

It seems that the steroids built up in my body and started

affecting my behavior.

I wasn't aware of it.

Obviously, it got worse as time went on.

.....I have found out that the last year, okay,

probably two, have not been my years to shine.

I owe you an apology if I have ever acted whacked

or talked to you with an unacceptable attitude.

Hey, it could be any of many behaviors - 

I don't remember them.

I think my lack of memory has been my saving grace

in some ways.

It certainly hasn't been in a couple of instances.

May I suggest to those of you that feel you need

to bring to the attention of someone

you love, their behavior or your thoughts

of their mental stability, to do it in a 

loving way so as not to 
make them feel you are on the attack.

Be Jesus when you talk to them.

Be gentle, careful with your words

and most of all, talk to them with the love

you feel for them in your heart.
And, don't wait. Please, don't wait if
you love them. That is only harmful.

What happened to me twice before I even

knew there was a problem was not handled in that way.

Both situations destroyed me.

One friendship ruined,

the other wobbly, to say the least, for 

many months now.

I found out specifics of my behavior 

over the last year or two

from my sister, Joan, in a loving and positive

way last week in Florida.

She was kind and, though made me cry

from extreme embarrassment when

she gave me examples of my behavior,

talked to me like only my sister could.

Lovingly.

She started by telling me that she was

so happy that I was back to my "self".

I thought she was talking about my

arms so showed them off. 

But, no, she was telling me that she was

so glad that I was back to her "Jan".

I was honestly confused.

She explained that for the longest time

I hadn't been "me".

She even gave me examples that made

me want to crawl under the truck

(we were in my brother's pick-up).

Verbal attacks based on nothing, mood swings,

becoming a hermit, unquestionably whacked.

I did ask her why she waited so long to 

bring all of this up and she just didn't know......

I was so embarrassed.

I was mostly concerned that my boys

had been thinking that their mom was crazy.

No one else mattered as much.

No one.

When I talked to my eldest, he said that,

no, I had been fine for the last two years.

I had been so physically challenged.......

that's where I stopped him and steered him back

to my concerns.

That sweet boy forgave me for "nothing".

I shared and apologized to my daughter-in-law, too.

The steroids explained so much about

 the start of our relationship.

So glad to have an answer and her forgiveness.

(two down, two to go)

Even the Tank noticed my new behavior

without me having said anything.

The steroids took about six weeks to completely

work their way out of my body and

allow me to become myself again.

And, I feel the difference.

I'm full of the joy, the positive thoughts,

the anxiousness to "do",

and I'm happy. So joyful and happy.

I don't long to be the hermit I have become 

(let's take that one slowly - I don't do drama).

I'm me again.

I had seriously forgotten what it felt like

though I didn't realize that.

Confusing?? That's the real me, too.

Again, if I have ever done anything odd or whacked

to you, please accept my apology.

This is the most effective way to get

"the word out".

If you feel the want/need to pass this

on to someone(s), please do.

I seek forgiveness.

P.S. Any comments? All and any are welcome. Anyone think this post could be any longer??

THE END

Mom as a child. She's holding onto the

necklace around her neck.

As I begin to pen this chapter of my mom's life, 

I haven't even looked back to see where I had left off

in the telling of her story.

I've put off writing this last part of her story for months.

For a bit I didn't feel comfortable talking about it.

It was too fresh, too new, and too hard for me to wrap

myself around to write this last chapter.

Then I spent literally months trying to come up

with the right title for this post. 

It had to be the perfect title.

As you can see, I lost that battle.

Blogging moves on

(I heard that somewhere)

and I have some other stories I want to tell

but can't until I end this one.

(The Grow Your Blog doesn't count. 

Vicki's *vicki-2bagsfull.blogspot.com* my friend),
and, oh, a couple of others.

Those of you that have been blessed to have

a great relationship with your mom know

what I'm feeling.

After I grew up my mom turned from "mom"

to "friend". 

We had a great relationship.

She was a beautiful woman and her kids were her life.

She passed on October 12, 2012

at the River Point Assisted Living Center

Kerrville, Texas,

after living with The Tank and me at the ranch

for 6 months.

She was my job for ten months.

Some really good, really funny,

and some very sad, 

heart crushing moments.

I would cry out to God at points in her care

because I couldn't stand the pain

of watching her become someone I didn't know.

Oh, God, it was so difficult.

But, it was a huge blessing, too.

I was with her the last months of her life

and that was a blessing.

I was at the care center for two months,

at least eight hours a day, doing what I could to

help my mom.

And then Hospice became involved.

"Why are you here?? 

She's going to be herself again after she gets some rest."

And, I firmly believed it.

Oh, they had seen it before, I knew that,

but this was different. This was my mom

and SHE.WAS.GOING.TO.BE.FINE.

AFTER.SOME.REST.

It's amazing how our brain works

in that kind of situation.

You have to live it to understand.

And, the Hospice workers see

that kind of hope, that kind of desperation,

so many times.

In so many ways.

My mom passed and joined

Jesus on October 12, 2012.

She wouldn't come back even if I begged.

That gives me great comfort.

Mom and Frank, my Tank

South Haven, Michigan,

a celebration of mom's 80th birthday

THE END

Thank you so much
for reading all of the
writings about my sweet mother.

I appreciate you so much,
        .Jan

leave a comment??

A GIVEAWAY AND A BLOG PARTY!

Hi, y'all! I am way behind in taking part in 

Vicki's amazing blog party and I apologize. 

Life has been full.

But, I'm here now, with my giveaway and ready to tell you about me and blogging.

Jan Vermillion Thomason of

the Polka Dot Barn

and the blog, polkadotbarn.blogspot.com.

I started blogging several years ago thinking that I would use it as my personal diary. 

And, I have used it that way.

I don't get every event covered

(I've been known to go weeks.......   without hittin' the blog)

but when something funny, fabulous or rusty passes by me

I have to blog about it.

I let you see me at my worst,

I will entertain you with humorous stories,

I will show you amazing junk and antiques

(some I buy, some I simply photograph).

All the while hoping that you accept me,

and that you come to love me as I share my life with you.

I love Jesus Christ.

I adore my husband and three grown boys;

hoping that my sweet boys will always need

their mom.

I adore my brothers and sister.

Nieces, nephews, sister in laws, cousins, 

my dad and Ursula, 

all very important to me.

I try to find joy in every situation,

sometimes after I throw a fit or cry in despair.

I love spending time in my studio, The Crack House.

(I'll be doing a blog post about it in the near future.

If you want to make sure you don't miss it, 

sign up to receive my posts via email at the top of 

the right hand column)

Creating and spending time with 

my friends that create,

reading every single page of my art zines,

and being an mixed media hoarder

make me who I am.

Okay, that's enough, let's talk about THE GIVEAWAY!!

I am parting with two of my favorite vintage hats that I've been saving,

waiting for those perfect projects that will show off those beautiful 

flowers and leaves!

THERE WILL BE TWO WINNERS!

To enter, simply leave a comment.

And if you want to have a second entry,

let me know if you're following me on Pinterest,

Twitter or my blog emails.

I'm supposed to close out my contest and draw for

winners on February 1st, but I'm extending my giveaway

to February 2nd and I'll draw for the winners

that following week.

I'm right in the middle of getting my house in order

and planning supper for fifty

as I get ready for my mom's memorial that will be held here.

After that I'll be able to get back to my blog. *happy feet*

I sincerely thank you for reading this post

and for entering the giveaway.

I hope that you come back often to see what I'm up to.

And, if you do, remember that leaving a comment

makes me do the happy dance!

Warmly,

        Jan

If, for whatever reason, you don't know how to get to the other (over 400) blogs participating

in the Grow Your Blog party, leave me a note in your comment and I'll get you there. :)

UNBELIEVABLE.......................................... ON IT'S WAY TO FABULOUS!

Once I had a really pretty guest room.

When mom came to live with us last January,

I had to take everything out of what is now

known as "MOM'S ROOM", box it up and move

it into my fabulous guest room.

That took it straight to unbelievable.

The double bed was mom's at River Point,

the care center where she lived from July through October.

The guest room originally had twin beds in it

with custom bedspreads that coordinated with

the custom window treatments.

The twin beds were out and donated

and mom's double bed moved in.

 Thank God for good friends.

Phyllis is not only a good friend,

she can sew like a whirlwind.

When she heard that I didn't want to sell

my bedspreads for a huge loss, 

but had no idea what to do about it,

she said she'd make them fit the double bed.

 Oh, my gosh! Of course she could do that!

She can sew anything. So she comes to the house

with her sewing machine and rotary cutter and starts

measuring, cutting and sewing.

 She had a lot of fabric to work with to make it

fit a double bed. I had no worries. 

She seriously is an amazing seamstress.

 The new bedspread is the start of putting

my guest room back together. 

What you're seeing is the never ending 

"favorite artist" wall. It keeps growing and growing

and will soon be ceiling to floor. Love.

 Okey dokey, here's the "real" guest room.

This is the room in it's current condition

excluding the bed.

All of my thanks go to my sons and

everything I had to box up and move over.

 Such a pretty room.

 Wow. I hope he/they found what he/they were looking for.

 How nice, someone threw my lovelies into a box

for safe keeping.

Dark corners can be scary.

 And, here's the almost complete bed!

The euro pillows are having cases made for them

by Phyllis at her house.

I need new bed and sham pillows and

the bed will be finished.

 And a couple of quilts under the spread and

some serious ironing!

Before my mom got really sick, the three of us were gathered 

around the dining room table working on one of Phyllis' projects.

I got up for some reason and mom got paper and a pen

from Phyllis and wrote this note.

The note asked Phyllis to make sure that I got

the sewing machine that I wanted for Christmas.

She knew. I think she knew that she wouldn't 

be able to take care of that because she'd

be too sick.

There was a window of time that mom went through

where she knew what was going on.

She knew that she was losing it and that it was

only going to get worse.

We had talked about it and I had cried about

it after I listened to her and reassured her that

she was safe. 

She was so scared of the future.

It was moments like that one that still break my heart.

I'm so glad, so very happy, to have the note that

she wrote to Phyllis, but it makes me cry out for her

at the same time.

I want my mom. I miss her so much.

If you're counting, then you

realize that this is my 

third blog post in one week.

I'm trying to make up for lost time.

I am so sorry that I didn't write between

May of last year, until this month.

I'm going to be better - not a post a day -

but, better.

If you've read this post and you have time to

leave a comment, I would love that!

XOXO, Jan

MARTA'S ROOM IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE PLACES TO DROP MONEY

I have three shops that are so very easy for me to drop money.

My Heart's Cottage in Comfort, Texas - she has the best Halloween

decorations, the best baby everything that no one else has and

cards I love to send.

And, there's Whimsy's in Llano, Texas. Oh, my, the

money I've dropped there. But, it's all good, you should see

what I've bought over the years.

 And, then there's the shop that has been the recipient of 

most of my shopping money.

 MARTA'S ROOM in Belton, Texas.

 Her shop changes every time I visit 

and I visit often.

 There are a few things that I simply covet when I'm there,

but that I will some day buy.....like that typewriter.

 Or, all of the white pieces above.

 Now, the Madonna in the compote dish

is a piece that I have bought. I think it's 

such a great piece of art....the dominoes and old

watches. Love.

 Look at the frame on this mirror. Lovely!

 Dying for ALL of the above. All of it.

 The white baby shoes.....recognize them?

I used them as the header for my facebook page a bit ago.

 Doll head bottom right. 

Needs to be in my Creepy Doll Room.

 Oh, my goodness.

I want this in my bedroom. 

Isn't it magnificent?

I actually think this mannequin might be

in Marta's house.

No sale.

 I have about 10 vintage suitcases and 

Marta started me out when she was in her old location.

I'm needing a black one so have my eye's peeled wherever I go.

 A black suitcase just like this one.

Maybe on my next visit....I also want everything 

IN the suitcase.

There's nothing in this photo that I don't want.

See what I mean about Marta's Room??

I am blessed to be only 2 hours and 45 minutes away

AND she's in the town right next door to where

Blake and Clay teach - Killeen, Texas.

See how I get there so often? 

Wish you lived closer.

I would love to take you shopping with me!

Be blessed and be a blessing.

And, today is national "no lurkers day".

Meaning that all lurkers are invited to

leave a comment.

Comments make me do the happy dance!

XOXO, Jan

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY

Profound, huh. My title.
I have spent so many hours trying to think of a name for this post that those hours have turned into days which have turned into weeks. And, I apologize for my tardiness though in some respects I have welcomed the time afforded to me that I did not have to pen this post.

I know that if you're reading this post that you've most likely been reading the others about my mom's dementia, moving to the ranch last January, 24/7 caregiver, moving on to memory care, being with her 8 hours every day.

And then October 2012 rolls in.
What's odd is that I haven't posted since May 2012.
Not really odd because taking care of mom got harder and harder every week as she declined further and further. That left little time for anything else.

But, back to October.
That's when I should have written to you.
That's when my sweet mother passed.
October 12, 2012.
I was there with her, sitting at the head of her bed, when she died.
That day and the day before continue to be very surreal to me.

She was progressing steadily in her dementia decline and then the end of September, she started failing much faster. Then she was dying and after about 1 1/2 days, she was gone.
Not lost.
Just gone.
She has gone on to heaven. I'll be with her again. We'll be able to continue the fun we had here on earth with some differences.
Jesus. God.

That's what I hold on to. Because I don't think anyone ever gets through the death of someone they love as dearly as I love my mom.

One day at a time. One breakdown at a time. One prayer at a time.

God bless all of you, especially my lurkers,
Jan

MY WEEK OF RESPITE ~ THE POWER OF PLACE

I've been full-time caretaker for my mom 

who has vascular dementia.

She's been at the ranch for 4 months.

I was able to take a week off, a week of respite,

because my sweet brother, Russ, flew in to take

over her care while I spent a week on the 

Atlantic shore on Satellite Beach, Florida.

 I happened to read an article in a free

zine called Natural Awakenings that

I know God put in my path to give me the

words that describe perfectly what being at

the ocean means to me.

.....The qualities that make a place special to us

are highly personal, and they often help us to define

who we are. Whether the setting is a lake house,

a mountain lodge, a seashore cottage {ocean condo} or a

backyard at twilight, our sensory connections to these

special places shape us in deep and lasting ways.....

 This relationship to place is one that we carry 

within ourselves for a lifetime.

 Iona Dreaming: The Healing Power of Place, 

is Clare Cooper Marcus' journal of her six months 

on the Scottish island of Iona.

 "I feel pure in this place. It is as if there was no separation

between my living, breathing, perceiving body and my soul-nature.

No posturing, no pretending. I am who I am -- no more,

no less. As my breathing slows and I relax, I experience the

sound of the sea passing through me -- not me hearing the sea,

not me and the sea -- just the sound"

 The ocean has always been the place where I feel God

the deepest. This week of respite was necessary for

my mental being and soul.

I rented my dear friend, Vicki Boster's, condo and it felt

like I could reach out the window and touch the surf.

The week was shared with my best friend from college

and my cousin - each being with me for half a week.

Their presence allowed me to talk about what I have been

through these last four months. It was immensely healing.

I crave the ocean every day.

I would love to experience a few weeks 

on the Scottish island of Iona like 

Clare Cooper Marcus was allowed to do.

Traveling abroad...to an island in Scotland...

writing about it gives me chills.

I don't think I'll be adding that to my bucket list,

however, because I don't see any way it would 

happen, but simply thinking about it makes me grin.

(And, God can make it happen, right??)

This past week at the ocean was cleansing, refreshing

and, as I said earlier, healing. I hope that I can

go to an ocean again in the next couple of months.

Any ocean -- God speaks to me through any of them.

I am aware that I am not the only daughter that has or has had

full care of a parent with dementia......or cancer.......or

parkinsons.....any chronic disease. But, we all have our

own challenges that we must deal with while caring for our 

parent(s) and my challenge is physical. So, I need

to do what will keep me the healthiest so that I can 

care for my sweet mother properly.

Give me the ocean.

Thank you for following my blog and for your continued support.

My mother is so important to me and all of my siblings.

Having her loose the best of her is incredibly hard to witness.

Without God's support I don't know how I could do it.

I give him all the glory.

Blessings,  Jan